The Healing Process

[Sofie]

Dear Wildgeese, Forum Supporters/Helpers/'Doctors' (because you help with the healing process!) and All

I recently read a quote which is really good, so true, and thought I'd share it with you all. Unfortunately I can't remember exactly where I found it or who said it.

'Life does not end when disillusionment enters, it simply unfolds and gathers strength, provided we allow it to do so.'
.....

I'll end on that note. I hope you all had a happy Easter. Sofie

[takenin2012]

I have been glued to this site for 2 days after discovering that my amazingly handsome and romantic civil engineer working in Dubai is some kid in an internet cafe in Nigeria. I can't thank everyone here enough for this site, and for posting their experiences. It helps to know I'm not alone.

I'm still reeling in shock that I could be taken in SO easily! Now that I read his emails over again I wonder what the heck was I thinking?? How could I fall for the bad English, the romantic patter? How could I have told him so much about myself, sent him a whole bunch of photos of myself? How could I even let him know my real name?? But somehow I actually believed him. In fact I was SURE he was the ONE.

It stopped before it got to the money part, but only because a friend of mine checked out his 'company' website and did some digging and found it was hosted in Nigeria.

I can't seem to get on with my life right now. I feel frozen. I am mortified that I got sucked in. And I just want to make sense of this, of myself, of how this could happen to an intelligent woman.

And I'm SO angry at match.com that they are happy to take my money but they can't do some simple investigative work before approving someone's profile.

Well, I certainly know better now. But I don't know how keen I am to try any more internet dating.

[Pinky]

Don't give up takinin2012! What you're feeling is perfectly understandable but since you lost no money . . . think of what you gained from this experience. It won't happen to you again. You are an intelligent woman and yet you were uninformed and naive. I know you're also a romantic, loving, compassionate, trusting and an honest person. This is why you never even knew something like this goes on. Your mind doesn't work that way. The trick is not to let it work that way, either. You don't want to lose your best qualities.

Posting his scamming information is the best revenge you can get. It messes with his other 'jobs.' The next best thing you can do is inform everyone you know who might not know already. It's the only way we can stop these little maggots.

Thanks for posting here and helping others.

[marilynmonroe]

Dear takinin2012
I was in the same position a few weeks ago however I did send a considerable amount of money to MySpace scammer. It was until a decision to google the email address found information on my scammer on this site and another one.
It was the best decision of my life. Unfortunately I went through several days of hell as I ignored all phone calls texts and emails from my scammer but the support and advice I received from this site was second to none. It was Pinky, Almostbit, Slaphappy, Minerva, Frumpy, Brightstar (sorry if I have missed anyone) that really helped me through.

I still have down days and get angry at myself for being such a fool but then I thank goodness I found this site because otherwise I would have still be sending money no doubt.

I find this site as my solace and read the posts every day.

Good luck with you journey

MM

[Ruffled Feathers]

Hello takenin2012,

You are not alone when it comes to match.com. There are so many scammers on their site, and no they don't care. Discontinue your membership with them as soon as possible, and be sure to tell them why. Eventually they might catch on. They sent me my original scammer, I broke that off in late November, and a month ago they sent me his profile for a second time. Like you this low life knew all about me, and so he also knew that match would probably send me his profile again.

I cannot repeat it often enough, have nothing more to do with this person, delete all emails, phone calls whatever you have to do, but no further contact. Trust me, you will feel very hurt for awhile, but you will come out of this a much stronger person and you will know what to watch for in future.

You must remember, this was not your fault, the scammer got you so involved with him so quickly --- that's how they work, and then they pounce for the money angle. You got out just in time and you are one of the fortunate ones that caught him before he got to you and you bank account - that is all they are interested in.

If you can post his details with his picture, so that others can be made aware.

I wish you well in the healing process and I guarantee you will heal. Now is the time to take care of yourself and heal your heart.

RF

[Sofie]

Dear takenin2012, Ruffled Feathers and Marilyn Monroe

I'm so sorry to hear that you were taken for a ride. No matter what, just remember, you are not alone and no matter how hard it seems right now, you will heal sloooowly but surely. The scars will remain though. Don't punish yourselves by asking how come you didn't see/notice his mistakes, bad English etc. -none of this helps and nobody gains anything by asking these questions either. Move on. We always hang on to our ideals which aren't always very realistic, but don't we all want to live the 'perfect life' with the 'perfect partner'? You are all loving, dear, kind, warmhearted people who were taken for a ride because such evilness doesn't exist in your (our) lives. Just remember to be thankful for your good health- you need to be so strong to fight what will go on inside yourselves and with what's happening in your lives now. Take good care of yourselves and wishing you loads of strength and energy to fight the turmoil.

There is life thereafter, although it takes lots of time to believe and feel this. You'll all be fine, and there are all these wonderful people on RS who are there for us.

Good luck to you and don't lose faith.
Best wishes
Sofie

[marilynmonroe]

Dear Sofie
Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement. They mean a lot. RS has been a god send to me because if I had not found this site I probably would have been sending more money hoping that the problem would go away. You are absolutely correct it takes a while. I have not heard from my scammer for three weeks now and I keep hoping and praying that I never hear from him again. I have good days and bad days where I cannot help but beat myself up over the situation I got into. Only three of my friends know and they have been my rock reassuring me that I am no fool and we all make mistakes.

Once again I thank you and I am hoping that in the very near future I can help other people too.

Regards
Marilyn Monroe

[Sofie]

Dear MarilynMonroe
I'm only too glad to be able to help in a tiny little way :-)
I know what this means and exactly how you're feeling! I sent everything and more but I can't change anything so all that remains is to fight and be strong, without thinking all people are bad! Don't lose trust or faith, MM. Remember we might have lost loads of money but we have our dignity and we are kind people who ached for love. We also learnt that there are so many good people out there, RS people amongst others for example. This site meant everything to me as I was oblivious that such 'things' took place...... I have fought, felt really awful, but know that no matter what, we have to keep on fighting for a while so things can improve. Just remember that no matter how bad you're feeling sometimes there are always people out there worse off than you! This helps keep my chin up!!

I wish you loads of strength and everything of the best MM and keep fighting, you'll get there. These things take time. I wish I could protect, help and comfort each and every person before they are abused/who is abused and used by these awful mugus but I can't. Take good care of yourself and feel free to write/ask for help/let off steam whenever you feel you need to, MM. Anything is ok if this helps you heal and get over what happened!

Take care and keep fighting,
best wishes
Sofie

[Ruffled Feathers]

Hi MM,

Just to let you know, you are not alone and nor do you have to be. Everyone on this site has had a bad experience, but have learned from the experience.

Scammers, DO NOT love us, they love our bank accounts. You have to remember that at all times and protect yourself at all times.

You are not at fault here, these low lifes gather us in as willing people, in order to get to our money. Please do not have any further contact with your scammer - ignore/block him in every way possible - do not answer emails, phone calls and especially requests for more money.

Sofie, glad to see you are doing well also, and helping other victims will also help you be stronger and stronger each day.

Take care, RF

[marilynmonroe]

Thank you RF
It has been three weeks of no contact from my scammer and yesterday he called again which I ignored but I have to say it rattled me as I was just thinking he may have moved on. Unfortunately he also contacted a company that I work for and left a message to request that I call him. I have told a couple of people of the situation and they have been very supportive. I am just scared of what is next ...... I know you all keep saying that they will give up and move on to the next victim but why is he still contacting after weeks of nothing?

It is really unsettling, I cannot concentrate, I cannot function

I just want this to be over so I can function again and be strong to help other victims. I am usualy a strong person but at the moment I feel so fragile.

[Tomi]

Hello MM,

Oohhh..so sorry for this. Now is the moment that you really need to be super duper stronger MM. Just think about it as just a test of your strength and beleive in yourself that you cannot be defeated this time. As one of RS golden rules KEEP IGNORING THE CALLS.... You said that you're hoping and praying that your scammer won't call you again; instead, pray for your strength so that even how many future calls you may have from them, they won't succeed.

It is good that you told some of your co-workers. Their support may also be a great help to you. Don't beat yourself up, OK? To get your mind off of this, think of something else. Go out with your friends or co-workers, watch a movie..eventhough at first, it's difficult to steer your mind away from this, but it will eventually and slowly go away.

I pray that you may surpass this, I really do. Be strong and I know you are.

Tomi

[Ruffled Feathers]

Hi Again MM,
Tomi is right - you will heal, and do not answer any email, even if he contacts your office, they will block him and I hope you have as well from your computer or any other address he may have of yours. They will give up, but the minute you answer, they have you back in their web of destruction of you and your bank account. All they want is your bank account.
MM - my scammer I broke off with late November, match.com sent me his profile again a month ago, I almost buckled and allowed contact, but through the people I have met here, I know that can never happen again. The profile picture was who I fell in love with, not the scammer, you have to remember that --- the scammer is evil, and the devil all rolled into one.
It has only been a short time, you need to give yourself time to heal and get healthy again, and you will be so strong when that happens, you will feel a whole new life starting and someday, you will meet the man of your dreams, without him stealing from you.
Please take good care of yourself right now, eat right and sleep to the best of your ability - they rob you of that as well, sleep deprivation and not eating, so do not let him win, you are stronger than he is and you will win over him and be a whole new wonderful person that you were prior to all of this happening.
Anytime you want to talk, PM one of us, we are all here for you.
All I can say, is you will get through this, and we are all pulling for you and on your side.
Best always, RF

[Holly Louis]

Hi MM,
I too have been where you are now, stay strong if you have too turn your phone off, I got a new number when I was going through what you are now, and I kept off the internet for weeks, I know how badly you are feeling, you dont eat, you don"t sleep and you can barely function, but RF is so right they are only after the money, I am months down the track now and I am so glad that I got out, I know that I would have nothing left, in the end it just becomes one money request after the other. My life is now back on track, and yours will be too, take it one day at a time and if you need someone to talk too PM one of us, all of us here are here for you. Take care of you.

[Pinky]

You could try to step into the scammers shoes for a moment and imagine what is going on in his head. In his mind he invested a lot of time and effort in you and was sure he had you hooked. He thought he was going to be rich and afford all the luxuries he sees other scammers with, or maybe he had all the toys and the greedy bastard wanted more. Either way, he probably made commitments to others for the money he thought was sure to be rolling in. And then suddenly 'poof' you are gone. This is one reason why we love for victims to just cease all contact immediately. The only way we can hurt them is with their own stupidity and greed.

Another thought too, some scammers lose their self control with their victims and do manage to feel a perverse attachment to them. You probably said a lot of loving things to him that he had not, nor ever will hear from a lover. He might have felt a sense of power in the pretense that he really was that person you thought he was even though reality is you'd be sick to your stomach to see him for what he really is. Then you cut him off. He doesn't know why. His own fantasy is shattered, maybe almost as much as he shattered yours. HE DESERVES THIS, you don't.

If I were in your shoes, struggling with the pain of lost hopes and shattered dreams, I would have to take some satisfaction in knowing that the person who did this to me, is tasting from his own bitter cup. He's showing his desperation in trying to make contact again. Smile and know you have done a just, fair and good thing. Let's hope it might be enough to make him see how it feels and maybe even make him quit.

[Sofie]

Dear MM
I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this- it seems to make me relive what happened to me. Just don't give up! DON'T speak to him or contact him at all. He is only after your money- nothing else, NOTHING ELSE, no matter how hard we think that he is different from the others. He's not! Believe me.

I wish I could sit with you personally and let you speak and speak and speak. Just remember that even though we get support from some of our friends, they will never understand us like people on this site who have experienced exactly what we have do. Try not to let him destroy your life totally, even if it's for a short time until you manage to pull the pieces back together- they aren't worth it! Really.

Fight MM, fight. It takes a chunk out of our lives- a chunk that's not worth wasting.

It's comforting to know that there are people waiting to help you, e.g. Tomi, Ruffled Feathers, Holly Louis, dear Pinky and and and. Let us be here for you. Don't be ashamed of being such a generous trusting person. Make an effort to laugh every day even though you feel as though you'd rather be crying. Be strong MM and cut ties totally. He'll keep trying but will back off sooner or later- don't believe any threats, they'll try and get what they can and will be angry at themselves and with you for helping crush their plans, dreams and hopes. Pinky's words are so true.

Lots of strength and don't give up. I know it's easier said than done. Take care of yourself. Best wishes, Sofie

P.S. Thanks Ruffled Feathers- you're a gem too.