The Healing Process

[sthrnldy]

I just learned yesterday that I was a victim of a Nigerian scammer. I sent him a total of 3,000. I am feeling so stupid, ashamed, humiliated, hurt, angry, embarassed, and just feeling wiped out emotionally and financially. I am 57 years old and should have known better, but was not aware of this practice of such scumbags. I think the worse part of it is knowing that I was really talking to some ugly young black male in Laos, Nigeria. Yes the picture he sent was of a nice looking man approximately my age. He first contacted me through SuddenlySenior dating site. My profile was just my picture and a very brief description of myself. His first email to me described himself as a construction engineer, had an 11 year old son, his best friend and ex-wife had collaborated together about something and now his bank account had been frozen, etc, etc, etc, ...blah, blah, blah, blah...

My adult children warned me about sending anyone money, but my thinking was that it really was none of their business what I did with my money and besides this was a great guy and just needed a little help from me.

Now I am in the process of telling my children that I have been the victim of a nigerian scammer...at first I wasn't going to tell them about it but realized in order to heal from this I have to come out and tell those closest to me. My oldest daughter was surprised that it could happen to me, of all people, her mother. Next I have to tell my youngest daughter about it in an hour from now. Not looking forward to that. It will take a lot of courage for me to tell my father (my mother is deceased) about how I was a victim of a scammer. I know him well and I know he won't understand at all. But I am going to tell him and the thought of that is literally making me sick at my stomach.

I will recover from this but it will take some time. I have survived a lot of things, but it just gets harder to deal with as you get older.

[Pinky]

It's sad to welcome you, Sthrnldy, but you are not alone here. It might take a little time and understanding all around but people who know and love you, know you are not stupid. Time will pass, you will heal. It's great you've got family who care. I'll bet your father will be more angry with the boy who hurt you than with you. If he doesn't get that, then make sure you help him to focus his anger where it belongs.

I hope you've posted his information up in White Males. You are not his only victim. There will be others who will need to discover what you have and maybe you can destroy his chances of hurting and stealing from them.

[sthrnldy]

Thank you Pinky.

Now after talking to my youngest daughter, I am feeling worse than ever. She said it is hard to feel any pity for me. Can't believe I fell for this.

[wayne]

Look around here. You're not the first person to fall for a scammer and you certainly won't be the last. It's a sadly under-reported crime, as a lot of people are too ashamed or embarrassed to admit what happened to them. Your family will come round. It just takes time.

[sthrnldy]

Thank you Wayne for your kind and supportive words

[Ralph Warner]

Hi sthrnldy and welcome

If I had a dollar for every person i have seen with a story much the same as yours I could give you your money back.

There are many of our members who were once in the same situation as you are now and you will see that they have turned the tables and taken control of not only their lives but in some cases they have also taken control of many of the scammer's lives as well through their work here.

I do admire your courage and strength to tell those around you, when you do tell them be sure to mention that it is those who do not understand or accept that make it so difficult for people to talk about this and it is the same lack of discussion that allows these scams to thrive.

Be rightly proud that you will make a difference to somebody else's life through sharing your story

[Bee_1]

Dear Southernlady,

even I still need to get over that humiliation - after like 4 months being here at RS - the first thought which came to my mind was: there are close friends, who would just never consider about visiting social networks. But I enjoyed right now some very interesting encouraging writings like the ones of SnowRose. Can't give too many advices though, because I just might have lost the personally contact to another RS victim, because we probably are quite different in lots of respects.
But to sum up, we all might want to take responsibility as well for some emotionally growth. Just let me share your shedding tears.

[Beenscammed1]

OMG. It has been months since I have realized that I was scammed for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have come to terms with it, I think. Read through all these has so much made me realize that I am not alone and I really am NOT stupid. I know I am not. I was scammed. Period. I was recently widowed, and very vulnerable. The scammer took advantage of that. I was lonely. He took advantage of that too. I am normally NOT a trusting person, but was not in my normal frame of mind being just recently widowed. He took advantage of that. I understand all that NOW. I went through a mourning process after I finally accepted after months of being scammed by this person. I have since reported him to local authorities and the FBI and filled out the IC3 report. I also realize I probably will never get my money back. However, NO ONE will ever take my spirit-my ME. He is nothing! I am a fighter. I now fight any of these guys on internet dating sites. I have educated myself. I am fortunate enough to have at least a part-time job and make it through the days, months, etc. He has ruined me financially. But I still have me. God knows what he has done and I console myself that even if he does not get what is coming to him in this life, he will the next.

I just wanted to say these things as people here absolutely KNOW what I am going through. Been there, done that. Now I also have. And we will all go on. That is the best way we can fight these scum bags!

[Pinky]

Thanks for posting Beenscammed1! You're right on! Money is nothing compared to what you have in your heart.

Just as an FYI, I'd never heard of SuddenlySenior so I went and checked them out. What I found was not a singles site, but a running blog, so I wrote the owner this:

Dear XXXXX,

I am a moderator on a website called romancescam.com. A victim of a Nigerian romance scammer, recently posted in our support forum that she met up with the guy through your web site, suddenlysenior.com. I thought you must be running a new senior dating or social networking site, so checked you out with the intention of posting a fake profile of myself, in hopes of catching and exposing a few of these guys. It's big business in Africa. Millions of US dollars are siphoned there, monthly.

I have discovered that you're not the kind of web site where these scammers usually frequent, however since one did manage to get through and harm one of your members, I thought perhaps I could enlist your support and assistance in getting warnings out to your members and readers. We have a lot of already prepared media releases on the site, but I'd be happy to write as well. Would you consider linking to our site and broadcasting a warning out to your membership, as well?

We are non-profit and volunteer, if that makes a difference for you.

Let me know,
Pinky
portal.php

He replied:

I presume you refer to suddenlyseniordating.com, not
suddenlysenior.com. suddenlyseniordating.com is actually run on our behalf
by seniormatch.com, we are just an affiliate site. We don't have direct
responsibility for site operation. Members who join the site are part of
their much larger pool, so anyone being scammed is not likely being scammed
by one of "our" members. And frankly the number of people who have joined
through the affiliate program is tiny. I suggest you contact Seniormatch.com

I do applaud your intentions and will review your site and consider adding
it to the Dating section of our Links page.

I wrote back again to say I would appreciate it very much if he could put the word out amongst his members and readers. These scammers are specifically targeting seniors. The majority of our membership on romancescam is over 50 and those over 65 are generally the most difficult to get away from the scammers. Often they have the money (it's why they're targeted) to continue paying in hopes that their love will be real after all. It breaks my heart. The ruthless little cockroaches have literally wiped out the retirement savings of many. And I thanked him for any help he could provide in educating seniors.

[sthrnldy]

Pinky and Beenscamed1,

Pinky...I applaud you for contacting suddenlyseniordating.com (and thanks for the clarification of the site name from suddenlysenior.com) and asking for their help in getting the message out about these nigerian scammers.

If it saves one woman or man from being a victim, it is well worth your effort.



Beenscamed1...Thank you for your words of encouragement. You are so right about them not getting our spirit. We are fighters and survivors, all of us, and we will perservere. I am trying to think of it this way...I would much rather be me in the United States of America and have been a victim of a scammer than to be one of those low-lifes in nigeria and have no conscience whatsoever and only think of ways to harm innocent people. I just don't know how they can do it?

[SHVLS]

Everyone who does not sleep? Up late dont sleep. Snow rose read a post of yours dated Aug 07- 09.Anyway throught that your post was very well intune with my feeling about the scam that happend to myself. Being drawn in by a photo of real person and then letting my guard down. Its a very hard situation to accept and deal with, when one has been humiliated and feelings smashed all over the place. The healing process for me is begining to start for me but nights are the worst, but i will move on!!!!. { one is the loneliest number} SHVLS

[The Wild Geese]

Hello SHVLS
SnowRose is healed and is facing the real battle in her everyday life with open eyes. No dreaming anymore. Based on the painfull and expensive experience of SnowRose, I am very sure that you too SHVLS, with the passage of time will be able to forget that you met the devil in form of a scammer and let your real life goes on in a positive way. The best and effective way to heal is you must have the goal. You must forget your supposed to be lover because he has never been there right from the very start. It was just a nightmare.
Now take your time. Rise up slowly but sure and sturdy. Take one step at a time. I can assure you you will be healed.
Take care of yourself.

[zetaarnold]

Hello SHVLS:
And remember that you're not alone. Being in this site will be an important part of this hard process. Follow the advice and believe me: this people really know their job. TAKE CARE and be kind to yourself.

[terrrit]

I am almost a year into this healing process still angry for being stupid enough to send my money, I still dont understand how dumb I was I FEEL QUILTY WHENEVER SOMEONE NEAR ME NEEDS MONEY, I FEEL IF I WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO WIRE SOMEONE i DID NOT KNOW MY MONEY i SHOULD ALWAYS LEND THE PEOPLE i KNOW mONEY. i FEEL SO STUPID STILL FOR GIVING MY MONEY AND ESPECIALLY SINCE I SENT IT. tHIS IS GOING TO HAUNT ME ALL MY DAYS. tHE STRUGGLE OF BEING POOR AND THEN BEING A SUCKER IT IS SO HARD TO BEAR. SOMETIMES I FEEL I SHOULD DIE FOR BEING SUCH A ASS FOR A STRANGER WHO HAD NO INTENTIONS OF REPAYING ME MY MONEY THAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED I AM SO STUPID...STILL HATING ME FOR BEING A DUMMY FOR SOME SCAMMER WHO ENJOYED MY MONEY THAT I JUST SENT WOULD HAVE DID BETTER BURNING.

[Pinky]

Territ, is it doing you any good to carry on this way? You'd feel so much better to give it up and get on with your life. Do you need permission from us to stop berating and being angry with yourself? Because you have it. We don't think you're stupid and never will, no matter what you say.

Give yourself permission to be happy. Close the door on that chapter of your life so you can begin a new chapter, a smarter and wiser person who will be safe. You are ready to find an honest relationship but it won't come in the new door until you close the old one.