still completely devasted two months later

[anae]

To Scallywag and Sophie,

Your stories really make my heart bleed and comparing what i went through to your stories, i can say that it is just a DOT. I have been really thinking how people can be so mean to other people and to make a living from decent people, it makes me sick.

I have been scammed with a very small amount out of sheer pity and desire to help someone in need but my stand in life is never to extend financial assistance more than what i can afford and whatever i shared to my scammer was what i wanted to part off.. i had my own share of financial obligations too and for me, that is more important than extending financial assistance to someone i have not met yet.. but like both of you, i felt a great desire to help, the reason i extended a little amount so i can help out.

I am really so sorry that both of you parted with huge amounts of money but glad that you are now slowly picking up the pieces.

Your stories inspire me and thank you for sharing. I am also feeling much better these days. I have regained my focus at work and i am just praying that someday, someone REAL will come along. I still see the face of James Bill in my head and somehow i still miss him but i tell myself that he is just an illusion, someone who is married and happy with a family, who does not even know i exist and will never do so... that inspires me to move forward because whatever i do, nothing that happened was REAL and will never BE

[anae]

I just posted earlier and said that i am doing okay but i guess what i am going through is an UP and DOWN of emotions. I feel i am okay because i want to be then just a little earlier, i was stalking James Bill in the Focus Hawaii Website and i look at the picture the scammer used which i fell in love with and the heartache just came back..

I know it will take time to forget. There are two things i will have to forget. One, that i was scammed and two, that James Bill is just an illusion

[scallywag]

Hi Sophie and Anae,
Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement. I guess when we find out we have been scammed, it affects us in many ways as we are each and everyone of us, very unique in our make-up so to speak. The wounds will heal in time, but as many have said before me, the scars will remain...a reminder to us all of the pain and hurt we went through. I am turning my life around today and have the support of my family although they do not and will never know the full extent of my being scammed. My mum is 80yrs and I feel and with the help of two of my therapists I can never tell her the full senerio because she is a wonderful person, generous too and she would never comprehend the reality of what I really went through. And yes, she lent me money, without ever knowing the true reasons behind my asking for a loan. My children are fully grown, and know a little bit as much as I will allow as they have a better understanding and I have taught them to be vigilent when surfing the net.
You are both strong as I said before and try and get some form of professional some help in the form of councelling or therapy who will listen but never make judgement. This helps me so much to be able to share with someone knowing none of my family will ever know the true extent of what I went through. I also have a couple of very close friends who know the full extent and have always remained and supported me too.
Yes Anae..you will probably search him out, or look at the photos of James Bill, its your way of dealing with it. To be honest, I expect a majority of victims do continue to look at the photo images - its your brain trying to find logical answers to something that was non-existant - a fantasy. In time though it will start to fade and you will be looking less and less.
Sophie..what a lovely gesture. You are indeed an Angel like we all are here.
Godbless - Scallywag

[Pinky]

Anae, I know it's hard but try to resist the temptation to hunt the real guy (James Bill) down. Maybe you're not even considering it, but just on the chance, I thought I'd better relay to you what I've experienced and know of the experiences of others.

When I first started scam warning, the first woman I worked with was scammed by a scammer using the pictures of James Bill. I tracked him down and wrote to him, thinking that I was helping. I explained to him that I'd not been scammed but wanted him to know how his picture was being used. I got nothing. He ignored my email entirely. Later on another scam baiting site, I ran across someone who said they'd manage to track down the real James Bill and he was quite hostile and rude to them. It seems he gets a lot of emails from women, about the scams. I was told that when it was suggested that he be more cautious with his pictures on the net, he suggested that it was good publicity for him; every model wants their face known. I do believe he was married back then too. I know nothing of him today.

About 2 years ago I wrote him again, just hoping he'd either mellowed or changed his attitude at lease. Nothing again. No answer at all. That makes him a conceited, arrogant, jerk in my opinion of him.

Here on RS, occasionally the real person in the pictures finds them here. There have been a few that have been compassionate, but far more have arrogantly demanded their pictures be removed. Some have even been insulting to the victims of their pictures. Not one has ever been interested in a relationship.

Draw horns and a devil mustache on James Bill's face, dear. You'd be better off adopting a cute puppy or kitten to have and to hold.

[FrumpyBB]

Pinky, I´d like to add a link to this^^very post to the according paragraph in the FAQ because we all know that in between the next two hours, someone is BOUND to ask this again. It´s just so...futile, such a futile thing to desire. It will not bring the dream near again, it would be just the next disappointment.

[fooled2love]

Dear Pinky - very wise words of advice indeed! Thank you for never losing the patience to repeat!!! And these points are definitely worth stressing over and over with each new victim here. Keep up your wonderful work!

Dear Sofie - you are in my daily prayers! And so are you Scallywag, ever since I've listened to your story via podcast - I can not get it out of my mind: such calm and warm voice relating real horrors of this type of scam! I believe your angel guardian took care of you not to get hurt in a worse way then and I believe both you and Sofie and all the others WILL find peace and comfort sometime in the future. Just please have patience and strength and faith - don't give up! Keeping you in my thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed that the "future" comes fast!

I(...)said that i am doing okay but i guess what i am going through is an UP and DOWN of emotions. I feel i am okay because i want to be

Dear Anae - I totally understand what you said here ^^^ and how you feel, I was there too and not all that long ago. However - IT DOES GO AWAY!!! The more you repeat to yourself that you want to be OK and the faster you embrace back your real life the faster this "going away of the futile emotions for the fake guy" will happen! Believe me, I can't even believe myself I felt what I felt back then. It's all gone now, all the emotions just evaporated into the thin air as they should since the foundation of such emotions was all fake. I too calculated to give just as much as I knew I could afford to risk so I was able to recover quite fast regarding the financial loss. But the emotional struggle was much longer lasting and worse hurting. Still - I repeat - that too goes away! You'll see. Hopefully soon. Just give yourself a chance and don't hang onto those emotions and their fake source. Move on into your real life - I'm sure there's a lot of good in it to provide the distraction and joy. Good luck!

[Paprika]

Hello RS community,

Like many other members my mother was also the victim of a romance scam. We have stopped all contact with the scammer and hopefully in a few days I can overcome my shame and submit all the information about him.
My mother has lost over $50,000 in total over 2 years. Even plundering her pension funds to send money to the scammer.
We are financially distraught to such an extent we barely managed to pay off our mortgage debt.
Right now we can manage to stay above water level but still have outstanding debts worth $5000 and hopefully we'll recover financially in due time but the emotional pain is unbearable.
I managed to ignore the pain for the first few months but when our financial situation didn't improve I kept getting upset about the incident because I'd remind myself how we wouldn't have these problems if my mother had not been so 'naive' and 'foolish'. Months after the incident my mother is still shocked and can't believe what she did.

Like many other members that have been scammed I can't reveal this incident to my other close relatives. To think we've been supporting them for all these years and 'betray' them by losing money foolishly. Only a close friend of ours is acknowledged to the full extent of the incident. I can imagine that my grandmother would probably get a heart attack if she were to hear of it.

Thankfully though, our 'close' friend is a psychological therapist and hopefully we can 'digest' the pain with a few sessions.

Regards,

Paprika

[fooled2love]

Dear Paprika - welcome to RS. I'm sorry to hear about this large financial loss that your family has experienced as a result of your mother's encounter by the scammer. I'm sure you're all facing all kinds of daily hardships related to the material loss. But please, please also consider deeply your mother's emotional state of mind after such a long period of brain drainage by the scammer - she must be totally devastated so please DO NOT refer to her as naive and foolish. I'm sure she's thinking of herself in those terms anyhow, but she should not hear it from others as well, especially not from the close relatives and friends. It is great that she has this family friend who can offer professional help - she will need it. Also, it might be helpful to direct her here, to RS. People (including myself) manage to find great comfort in the wonderful sharing that goes on here - just the right kind of "medicine" for the kind of emotional violation left after the scammer. Good luck to your mother, you and the whole family!
And please - do post the scammer's details. He needs to be exposed asap so that others can be warned.

[Mapbella]

Like I said before, I have been recently scammed as well. I will not elaborate on what I am feeling since you guys have already heard it many times before during the replies written here. But know that I am going through the same kind of emotions. During the day time I can <fake> my emotions and put up a good front in front of people. It is at night time that I really lose it. I am very frustrated right now. I have a lot of anger that is building up. I have to admit that my own self control amazes me. I keep telling myself that the money I lost (which to me was quite significant but to others that have lost much more than me might think that it is peanuts), was needed much more somewhere else. Otherwise I would totally lose it. It will take me at least a good three years to repay what I have lost and that is if nothing else happens in the long run for life is everything but predictable! It is very hard financially right now as I have let payments go unpaid........now everything is catching up to me and I truly feel overwhelmed. I won't even mention my heart since it took quite the beating in all of this. I am just glad that I was able to cut all contact with my scammer and his team. Because he didn't work alone. I truly feel violated in every way. It feels like as if he had entered my home and my most private places.........I truly feel soiled! I always thought I was an intelligent woman but this experience showed me just how little I know about the real world.

[Ralph Warner]

The amount of money you lost is always going to be significant, of course, some people are affected financially more than others but regardless of your financial circumstances the money could have always been put to better use elsewhere.

If it helps you emotionally to tell us about your story than you do that, yes, we have heard many stories of the pain and suffereing caused by scammers and many of those stories have helped others to get over their pain, it's up to you but you are certainly welcome to share your story as well if you want to.

For some of our recently scammed members it helps them to participate in our forums, posting scammer details and consoling other recent scam survivors. again, it is your choice but if you think that might help you to heal faster then go right ahead, this site exists for people just like you so feel free to make the most of it

[Sofie]

Dear Mapbella
I'm sorry you had to go through this too. I can really honestly say that i know exactly how you're feeling and what the future brings in terms of repaying debt..... I am on that long steep stony path too, at the very beginning of it (and I'l be paying back debt much longer than you will be), I might add. Just remember, although we have lost so much, we are honest trusting decent people. I too feel that daytime is easier to handle and hide ones feelings whereas evenings and weekends make coping more difficult. I find it easier just to tackle each day, day by day. I still cannot credit that someone can lie so blatantly and abuse people without batting an eyelid! But they are not people- they're evil creatures.

Try and keep your thoughts positive even though you feel lousy. Keep on repeating positive things to yourself. I know it's not easy to put the abuse and the happenings behind you easily but we have to even though they keep coming back constantly throughout the day. We cannot turn back the hands of time! You are a good person. You were taken for a ride like I was too, but we've still got a lot more than others; health, job, family, roof over our head to mention a few things. I pray too that I'll manage to finally be able to repay everything before I retire but only God alone knows what the future will bring! So you see, dear Mapbella, you're not alone. It'll take a while but time heals all wounds.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and will wonder how you're getting along. Take good care of yourself and try to be strong- it's the only thing we can do! You're not alone.
Sofie

[Take2]

Hi Ana, That was some good details that you have shared. BTW, since you used skype with the last scumbag, did you do videoconferencing then? And did he look like his pictures, or did the videos seem odd, like they didn't match things you were doing at the time?
I'm still reeling from my experience, have been balling my eyes out all week, and am still dealing with it. I am not there yet to completely cut ties but I have just lost too much and need to handle it my own way which will be this week, since now my scammer after a few weeks of claiming to be back in the UK after I've spent a almost $200K, pretty much all my savings, to get him out of Malaysia, is now finally asking me for money again. This time to pay for all the utilities cut from his residence as he's been gone for over 7 months. He was supposed to deposit this huge check from his business transaction that he got me to help with initially, the first time I fell into his trap, but of course ran into issues, claiming the bank charges some fee or tax in order to cash it. By now I have already finally after way too late, found out the disturbing news, but honestly still have a gleam of hope about recovery. I frantically have asked around about this to people in the UK, because his whole deadly advantage is my and probably all victims' lack of knowledge aobut other countries and business dealings in general. Of course no one has heard of this and many immediately said SCAM. I challenged him on almost everything since he has been "back" in the UK, and he confidently refuted that I just don't know how UK works, and has been able to "educate" me on many things characteristic of the UK, which turn out to be true. (like needing permits for watching tv and radio!), so he is really good w/ all his info. Without the IP and researching pictures, I would still believe him. I finally tried to purposely ask him about this charge however, and he said it was a VAT, which is 1% applied to checks over 5 million pounds. Of course the average person even in the UK wouldn't know about this, so I cannot find ammunition to refute this right now.
Anyways, he's finally made his next move and it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I have to settle things this week now b/c I am definitely not sending anything, even though I do admittedly want to make the flight over there to the house he claim to be in, and I know he has no choice but to either disappear or fess up. I already know everyone's advice to not continue and all, but I'm the one living with my loss. I don't see a few more $1000 denting me if it can get me that closure and final peace of mind. I cannot escape how that kind of sum is gone, just like that, after a whole life of hard work and going through so many major crap to get to some normalcy and poof, gone, not because i gamble or have issues with shopping or other, but like it got handed over to some stranger like nothing, sorry but the amount does have a huge impact for me beyond the emotional. I have to live with that every single day of my life, every day I have to go to a job that stresses me so much and now w/ all this is going to take a toll, but yet I cannot afford to quit or risk getting laid off now. To know every day I have no safety net and no family that will be able to help me out, they have enough problems of their own. I just plan to do one last thing before the end and that is to call the banks directly in the UK and force the situation that here's the unrefutable evidence, and you need to go take care of that check in those banks. I know I will have to walk away after that.
It's hell because amidst these recent happenings, I am breaking down again after the initial shock of finding out hard evidence. And I am already becoming a mess actually missing this "relationship" that I've devoted almost a year now. I feel sick and angry to having to feel and react like this. It's already bad enough without this part. And I'll admit that I have truly tried to reach out to communities like this and people for support. Unfortunatley, I guess I'm getting punished from top to bottom b/c I'm not getting much support besides just the blanket block and delete that can apply to someone who's lost a lot less financially and time-wise. Not that that's the reason, but it definitely made it easier to continue contact w/ my scammer as unfortunatley that is the only "care" and closeness that I have been able to get. This is just the worst thing that I can think of to happen, because I haven't been able to pull out any sort of strength to deal with all the types of loss and depth of betrayal, esp. with my security.
If anyone is aware of any support groups that address our type of scam, please let me know. I desperately need something.
I will get to posting all the info. and I got a lot b/c I have wired to several different people in Malaysia, got several #'s. I just need a little time to sort this and myself out, so thanks for your patience.

[Pinky]

I am not there yet to completely cut ties but . . .

This is not a good thing. He will only hurt you more and he'll always be looking for new ways to get money from you. He might find a way.

to get him out of Malaysia . . .

The only way he's leaving Malaysia is by deportation back to Nigeria. You do realize you're being scammed by a young, black Nigerian on student visa in Malaysia, don't you?

but honestly still have a gleam of hope about recovery.

For your own safety and sanity you should lose that hope immediately.

I frantically have asked around about this to people in the UK, because his whole deadly advantage is my and probably all victims' lack of knowledge aobut other countries and business dealings in general. Of course no one has heard of this and many immediately said SCAM. I challenged him on almost everything since he has been "back" in the UK, and he confidently refuted that I just don't know how UK works, and has been able to "educate" me on many things characteristic of the UK, which turn out to be true. (like needing permits for watching tv and radio!), so he is really good w/ all his info. Without the IP and researching pictures, I would still believe him. I finally tried to purposely ask him about this charge however, and he said it was a VAT, which is 1% applied to checks over 5 million pounds. Of course the average person even in the UK wouldn't know about this, so I cannot find ammunition to refute this right now.

These are all lies. He's stolen your money and that's all there is to it. He's not the guy in the pictures that you fell in love with. He's not even in the UK. If his IP is now coming from the UK, where it was Malaysia previously, then he's either got a scam partner in the UK (many do) or he's using a proxy to email you.

Since you've lost an exorbitant amount of money, you should go to the police immediately. They will tell you they cannot do anything - and this is true because your scammer is way beyond their legal jurisdiction - but maybe you and the police together can get some government official to protest to the Malaysian authorities. From what I understand, the Malaysian government is trying to rid themselves of these human parasites.

I do admittedly want to make the flight over there to the house he claim to be in, and I know he has no choice but to either disappear or fess up.

I believe you still don't completely understand the depth of this scam. He is not at any of the addresses he gave you. NOTHING he has given you can lead anyone to him. Only his IP address, which is the unique number that the ISP he's using has assigned to his computer, can lead to a location where he emailed you from. That will most likely turn out to be a public internet cafe.

If you go to Malaysia to find him, YOU will find nothing. But if he knows you're coming, HE will find you. Maybe he'll pretend to be a cab driver and pick you up. Maybe he and his gang will surreptitiously follow you. No matter what, your life will be in danger. They will know that their gravy train ends when you realize they are not who you think. At that point you are only worth the cash, jewelry and personal belongings you have with you. You will be dispossessed of them in probably a painful, maybe even a deadly manner. Of if they think you have rich relatives back home . . . you could be held for ransom after they rob you. DO NOT GO TO MALAYSIA!!

You lost a lot. Nearly everyone here has lost something. Whether large or small, we all go through the same trauma, drama, pain and suffering. Start your closure by finding a good therapist you can trust to work you through the normal grieving process. Your money is not your life, your love, or your family. You can be happy without it.

actually missing this "relationship" that I've devoted almost a year now.

We hear that a lot here. There is a period of withdrawal, for sure. It's almost like an addiction. Again, nearly everyone here has been through this. You will find understanding here. What you won't find is anyone here allowing you to continue deluding yourself.

If anyone is aware of any support groups that address our type of scam, please let me know.

We're it, I think. We are not therapists, though. You will find that most the people who respond to you have been victimized by scammers in the same way. Single moms, elderly pensioners, divorced, widowed and lonely people who have all been fleeced of what they couldn't afford and have all had their hopes and dreams shattered. You are not alone.

We do have patience, but we have little for those who are so caught up in their scam that they don't get that not posting the scammer's information is hurting others, too. You are not alone again. Your scammer is doing others the same as he's been doing you. We won't ask you too many times, to post his information so that others might be warned, before we too lose our patience. We have abundant sympathy and compassion when you show yours as well. And believe me when I tell you, YOU will feel better knowing you've helped others. It's the fastest cure for your suffering.

[Take2]

I just want to clarify that I didn't mean to fly to Malaysia or Nigeria. I've already read about that being a new base for them and dangerous. I was saying to the UK since that is where he claims to be. Anyways, don't take that as indication that I am proceeding with it, but also just wanted to note I at least know not to go to Malaysia. I'm feeling boggled just trying to deal, I haven't even been able to be up all day, but will get all the details organized and post.

[Pinky]

If they've got associates in the UK (it's a remote possibility), you shouldn't go there to meet them either. Go as a tourist and have a holiday. Go to pubs in Wales and ask for a guy named Wayne who drinks cider to excess, or you might find him in a tattoo parlor having the words, "You will die!" tattooed on his bum. You'll find our fearless leader and admin. Then we will know you are safe.

At least know that your safety is our priority and we care about you. I'll say prayers for you.