The Healing Process

[brokenman]

JulieNP, thanks for that reply. I still don't know if I will ever tell family and friends about the $$ scam. But the most important people in my life now know that the relationship was not real. All of them have been kind enough to not delve too deeply because they know that I am hurting. It has been 2 weeks of very strange feelings for me and reading replies like yours and others here has helped me so much. Julie, your 2nd paragraph especially helped. Most of the money I spent early on was because I thought I was helping someone in need. How do you recover from that? Just like you said, concentrate on the fact that you thought you were doing the right thing by helping those less fortunate. I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that I was so misled and I was being stolen from, but reading your reply certainly helped a lot.

[JulieNP]

Brokenman - I don't think you ever really recover from the sense of loss and betrayal - I know I haven't. The decision to tell your family about the scam is yours alone - I share that because it worked for me.

Something I haven't declared on here was right after my scam I signed up for a professional matchmaker and that was a significant investment because I thought if I don't get back in the saddle I won't trust another man again ever. This matchmaker promised that every match was 100% vetted, would meet my specific requirements for a relationship and had the ability to provide for themselves so I signed up. I was matched with someone who appeared on the surface to be a great opportunity for a long term relationship and them BOOM I get hit again with the fraud he was: not a retired lawyer but a disbarred lawyer with no income but the matchmaker assured me he had financial resources and after 2 years he suddenly announced he was broke - this was last October and I feel like I have been gut punched again.

Hang in there my friend - it does get better and just keep telling yourself that karma is a beautiful thing!

Julie

[brokenman]

Julie, thank you for the reply. I'm sorry to read that you have been through so much heartache. Your story makes mine seem easy by comparison. If it makes you feel any better, at least your story will make me feel cautious about the so-called professional matchmakers. Although I don't feel anything anymore when it comes to trying again, if I do so in the future - it won't be through any sort of matchmaking device. I admire the courage and hard work of you and everyone else on here who keep working to support the victims and expose the criminals. It has been 3 weeks now since I first discovered my mistakes. It is still constantly on my mind, but it is getting a little bit easier every day. Thanks again, to all of you who support and make this website possible.

[Wingman182]

Hello b-man I'm glad to hear that you are feeling some what better. Typically a victims first month is the most difficult. So I hope you will find that you are past the worst of it. You may take some back steps, and there maybe some stumbles along the way. This is common, and to be expected. Just never forget that you are on full forward progress from here on out.
And try not to let this whole mess get you down either. You had hopes and dreams invested in someone you had believed was a real person. And it has not been that long since you had discovered the truth. So remembering the dream is only natural. Plus the fact that you are going through very mixed emotions right now. You are in a grieving process over losing something that was special to you. And this is mixed with the rage you feel knowing the truth that you were communicating with a group of men and not the woman you thought was real. But you will get past all of this pain. But you may find that after experiencing a trauma such as this one can leave it's mark on your memory. This maybe a bad example but for us a scam can leave a mark on us not unlike 9/11 did. We have all moved past the shock and trauma of the event. But most of us will never forget where we were and what we were doing when those plans struck down the towers.
I can't speak for everyone. But for myself it's been almost eight years since I was scammed and if anyone was to ask me what do I remember. My answer would be everything. But just like the others here I have learned how to not allow those memories continue to cause any more pain, or reopen old wounds. It also helped me to learn more about scammers, and how they can manage the things they do. All I can say is with additional understanding came additional healing. Once you learn more about their mind tricks and forms of brainwashing I hope to same will be said for you. But as we say. We all heal in our own way and in our own time.

And I think you are doing the right thing right now as far as not jumping back into the social circle of things. At least not yet. Your still in a healing process, still sorting things out. So I think it's a safe bet that you are not quite yourself at the moment. So if you were to meet someone new, they would not be meeting the real you. They would be meeting the you with a heavy heart.
I'll leave this topic with a quote from my mother. (God rest her soul) This was her reply when I had asked her when I was a lot younger about when will it be my turn to find love.
Her answer was. “Don't worry to much about finding love. Love will find you when you least expect it, or where you least expected it to happen.”
At the time I thought she was just giving me a mundane answer to pacify my question.
Now however I have found real wisdom in those words.

[lisa569]

I just want to say how grateful I am for this site. I had never tried online romance before and I wasn't expecting to get so swept up in all of it but I did, then I found out that he was a scammer. I was really struggling to come to grips with it, never cried so hard. I had closed myself off from men for a long time and this was my first venture out there again. I didn't think I was gonna make it the last couple days. Then I decided to google search healing from online scammers and this site showed up and I read what you guys had been through and it somehow gave me strength. I can relate to the struggles you faced and you have given me the courage to face my grief and begin to not be so angry at myself. Thank You.

[keira]

Hi lisa569,
these sites helped me a lot too, the more you will learn about scammers the more you will understand that there´s no need to be angry at yourself. If you want, you can write your story too.

[brokenman]

lisa569, I agree with keira that the first step is to learn more, continue visiting this site and realizing that there is no reason to be angry with yourself. Just typing these words on this site helps me, and it may help you to tell your story. Similar to you, I had resorted to online dating after several years of disconnect without even trying to date. And, I got fooled. It has been the hardest month of my life since I realized my mistakes. Just keep your head up, and know that you are not alone in this.

[lizs]

I'm going through this, I was hurt terribly by a scammer. If someone says "it can never happen to me", it's not true. It can happen to anyone. I'm going all through the emotions that come with it. And I'm taking it one day at a time. I do believe that with time it does help you to deal with it a bit easier. I know the man in the pictures is an innocent victim of identity theft. Time helps you to heal

[Pinky]

You are very wise, Lizs. Already you're steps ahead of most who first discover the scam. You probably already know, but I'll mention it anyway: the first thing to do upon this realization, is sever all contact with the scammer, just as though you've disappeared from the earth.

Also, give yourself time to heal, don't beat yourself up and report all the details of your scammer. This last step is the most important. Truth shall set you free, but reporting it will serve to set others free as well.

[Guiltbylove]

How I had wished i have discovered this website earlier. It is too late now to find out that these scams exist and many people have fallen info the romance trap. I'm sitting here feeling heartbroken, shameful, guilty, devastated, shock and sick to my stomach. I can actually relate to all the feelings and traps that most people have shared here. All this time I already suspected that I've been scammed but was still in denial and keep hoping that he's being real to me. I am so ashamed to admit the amount of money I've sent to him trying to help him shipping his business goods back to the states and get him out of Africa. I've trusted him with all my heart and no one could have understood why I did it. I'm so ashamed to share my catastrophe with friends or family. I'm not getting into detail as I'm still going through a private investigation to find out the truth. I'm not sure if this is necessary because sounds like the money can never be recovered? As of now he's still asking me for money to help him getting out of the country and promised is the last he needs so he can be home to the US. The love he talked to me was so real and hopeful. It is the perfect gesture in a man that every woman would dream for. I really felt for him, not the scammer but the person in the picture. But worse enough I'm still a married woman who has been missing an affectionate relationship from her husband. I guess for years my feeling for my husband has been getting colder. And then this man came into my life suddenly and made me feel so special and claimed his love for me and that he had found the right woman as he was praying for. He made promises of what better life he could have given me that I've been missing in my life all these years. Oh god I had fallen for him without realizing and being blinded. Everything that has happened in the last month I only wish to keep it a secret to myself. If my husband ever finds out he would be so devastating and it could be an end to my marriage. Which if it ever happened i will accept it because I deserve it. But my feeling right now is I cannot forgive my myself and am living in this guilt everyday. However, my biggest problem for me now is I cannot let go of the image of this wonderful man in the pictures. I was already attracted to his picture at first sight and that's why I've got myself into this big mess. Losing my money hurts me one but not knowing who the real person in the picture is hurts me 10 times. My biggest hope in this investigation is to be able to find the real person. Please tell me if this is hopeful or impossible. My heart really has fallen for this man that i cannot forget him. I've never thought that this incident will ever happen to me as only exists in movies. My life was so simple and I never knew about all these scams are going around until now. I always thought if I'm being truthful and honest then people wouldn't possibly harm me. But I'm so wrong there are evil people out there who don't care how you feel or how hurt they could damage your life only if they can get your money. I still don't understand how people can fool around with you by stealing your heart and your feeling for them. I believe things happen for a reason but i don't know what it is. What will my future be like? Only if one reward I can get in return by this lost is for me to be able to find the real person in the picture. I will be forever grateful and believe and dream again. I'm deeply in need of help. I cannot rest or be in peace.

[Igulinka]

Guiltbylove

We are very sorry for the scam We know exactly how you feel. Many of us here went through the same horrible ordeal and we felt what you feel know. Please know it does get better day after day. Although healing process is not easy and sometimes takes different time for different people there will be a day when you will smile again and heal. At this day you won't call yourself all bad names you mentioned above. I can tell you today that you don't need to be ashamed for falling in love and giving your heart away. How could you know who is on the other site of the screen, they didn't announce they were worse of the worst, West African rats, sociopaths, haters which were waiting only to hurt you. Please come here often , read our healing section post to help you to go through. Please make a first step in the process and report them : email address, phone numbers, SKYPE ID, fake profiles, money request info, stolen pictures, fake documents. Please know in order to finish the scam you must BLOCK them and IGNORE, they will never go away if you won't take control over. We know how hard it can be but please try your best. We wish you speedy recovery. Feel better. Once again we are very sorry.

Please file: https://www.ic3.gov/complaint/default.aspx

[Wingman182]

Hello Guiltbylove and welcome to R.S.
I am deeply sorry that you are hurting so. All of us here know all to well how painful it can be after the truth is discovered. It may not help right now, but please know that you are not alone. You are among others that know and understand what you are going through. And why you did things that would normally have been out of character for you. But please don't blame yourself for the fact that you were scammed. You were obviously searching for something, but becoming a victim of a scam was not on that list. It was on the scammers list of things to do. So let that part of the blame rest where it belongs. With the criminals and not their victims.

Guiltbylove

I'm still going through a private investigation to find out the truth. I'm not sure if this is necessary because sounds like the money can never be recovered?

If you have been sending money to West Africa then yes your money will never be returned to you.
And on this note you must be aware of what is called a recovery scam. You maybe contacted by someone who will claim they can get your lost money back. But of course there will be taxes to pay. Processing and filing fees to pay. It's all just another way to keep you paying them under a different pretense. Do Not Fall For It.
And brake off all forms of communication with these criminals. It will only prolong your healing.

There is another part of your post that must be covered. It's not going to be easy to hear, but you must.

Guiltbylove

However, my biggest problem for me now is I cannot let go of the image of this wonderful man in the pictures,,,, not knowing who the real person in the picture is hurts me 10 times,,,, My biggest hope in this investigation is to be able to find the real person. Please tell me if this is hopeful or impossible. My heart really has fallen for this man that i cannot forget him.

This is common and a normal reaction but there is a huge problem in wanting to find out who it is.First and foremost the man in the photos is not the man you have fallen in love with and will never become him.
Scammers do not steal whole profiles to work their schemes with. They steal just the photos off of the internet, and only the photos. All of the rest of it the scammers create out of thin air. If a scammer was to use anything real about the profiles they use to scam with a simple search would uncover their lie.
Besides a real, normal person is not good enough for a scammer's fake profile. They make profiles of the perfect person for victims to fall in love with. A special perfect person so awesome that any other real person could never measure up to. It is why we stop looking for anyone else once we meet them on the net. It's also why the pain is so much more devastating when we learn the truth. We were not just hurt by a normal, real person. We were betrayed by our ultimate perfect someone. Then later we learn that this special someone never existed in the first place. And it hurts even more.
Then there is the real person in the photo who is a victim in their own right. In most cases they have no idea that their image is being used to romance scam people just for their money. And even if they did find out there is nothing they can do to stop it.
I know this hurts. It took me about a month to finally bring myself to say goodbye to that beautiful dream. And in the end that was all she was, or would ever be. Is just a beautiful dream. And yes the pain and heartache was still there. It just wasn't as bad. But after that goodbye my real recovery began.

Bottom line it's never a good idea for a victim to try and contact the real person from the photo.
And if you don't want to take it from me. Take it from them.

What the REAL owners of the pictures say
http://www.romancescam.com/forum/viewto ... 22&t=48177

It's not my intent to bring you any more pain. Our purpose here is to help.
And unlike the scammers we will only share the truth with you.
It just sucks that sometimes,,,, the truth hurts.

[Guiltbylove]

Thank you so much for your soothing words, Igulinka and Wingman182. I'm going through the most tough time now not knowing what's right vs wrong. I'm still kicking myself for easily trusting people and it cost me substantial amount of loss and I'm talking about 7 figures and not even in the teens...it's my entire life savings I'm pouring out my heart for this man. How do I easily forgive myself? It's hard earned money and I just lost it in a week. How do you all usually cope with this? How do you forget? I mean it will take me years to save that amount of money again. Sometimes I've wanted to share the story with my mom but I'm afraid it's going to burden her more. I've already asked to borrow some money from her to pay my bills, which I've never done before in my life. She gives her money but worries if I'm ok or not. A mother's love is unconditional. Never in my life i would imagine something like this would happen to me. I have too many things going on in my mind and just can't get over it.
Wingman182, thanks for your advice and i know you have the best intention for me not to find out the real person behind the picture. I'm very clear that the person I've been talking to is not the one in the picture and I'm able to segregate the two. However it was initially the man in the picture I was attracted to and the talking person made it more real that I got carried away so easily. But now I can forget all the deceiving talks from the scammer but cannot forget the real person. It is him who I have always wanted to meet even though he knows nothing about me. Out of this great loss this is my only hope even though I know it's the slimmest hope but it's the reason that keeps me going each day trying to recover. It's the only happiness I have right now thinking that one day I can find him and talk to him just even once. To know that he exists and who he is although the truth will hurt but I'm willing to take that chance otherwise I cannot put it to rest. I believe things happen for a reason and I'm hopeful to find out what it is. The scammer has brought this man into my life and I feel like there's a reason for me to find him. I've lost hope in everything but this is the only hope that I don't want to lose. I'm more scared with the fact that I might not be able to find him. But I'll continue to pray.

[Igulinka]

A mother's love is unconditional.

This is the truest true. I also didn't know how to tell my mom. I was afraid she will worry too much and get sick over my problems. Fortunately she understood without judging me and kept me in her prayers when I was at my lowest and my thought were extreme. Mother is that only person who won't judge you and will feel your pain, the only one who will keep you going forward, make you smile when you hurt . I always think how blessed I am with my mommy and believe me she is 7000 miles away and she scented something wrong when I was in trouble.

Please put a scam behind you. Do not look for this man on the photos. They always have families and some victims who contacted them , brought to their lives chaos and more problems then scammers did. Please read my red line below. It is a quote from an actor who was bothered by victim- stalker. Please do NOT do it. It's not healthy for you.

Please file IC3 complaint, you will be able to receive tax deductions to the fraud under false pretenses online.

Please post: email address, phone numbers, SKYPE ID, fake profiles, money request info, stolen pictures, fake documents.

Feel better and good luck to you in New Year, hope it will bless you.

[sad4ever]

Hi I'm new to this page, I wish I had knew about this page 4 months ago then I could save myself from this betrayal & lost all my saving. He (few of them) added as friend on fb, but I only accept 1 person bc I fell for his looks right away. He is my dream guy, very handsome & diver which I love the ocean. Anyway I fall for him right away cuz we both have kids, we talked about our kids & how innocent they are to only have 1 parent. So the more we texted through viber the more I fell so hard that I didn't even suspect any thing wrong, even if I find something he said or does doesn't make sense I put it off and said I waited until he home to explains it to me. So crazy & blind I continue sending thousands of thousands dollars to him just hoping to see him home with us.

As of today, about a wk from stop contacting by him I finally realized I was scammed, especially reading all the topics in here finally make sense to me. I lost all my saving, still I couldn't beloved how blindly I am just continue sending him money. I told my mom and she's the only one know about it. I feel hurts, but it break my hearts more to see how I made her disappointed. I know I can't do anything about the money, but I do Thanks God that I still have a job to make the money again, but how am I ever get over this feeling of hurts & foolishness? I know the person I fell for in the picture it was all in my imagination, bc when u have feelings for that person, that person become everything to you. I do wish the person in the photo is happy with his family, bc he will never know there's a lady like me who fell in love at first glance of his pic.