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The Healing Process

Emotional Support, Compassionate Friends
Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 7:28 pm

Wingman182.
Thanks so much for trying to help me. It is good to see that there are good men out there. I was just getting past my ex husband's abuse. He kept me from having a life. He was very scary, so I never dated or moved on. He passed away, then the first man I trust does this to me. I just feel that I must have a sign on me that says kick me. I hate this self pity too. I've always felt that I was a strong woman, but this has about done me in. I won't tell any one. Please pray that I can hold it together when around friends and family. I don't want them asking more questions. I, also, need to figure out a way to make up for the money that I lost. I don't want questions on that either. Anyway, I do appreciate the understanding. It's good to be able to talk to someone.

Re: The Healing Process

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Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:09 pm

WARNING
I want to warn everyone that there is someone out there that calls themself darktracker01@gmail.com. They tell you they can hack the scammer's phone and find out where they are and can hack their Bank to get your money back. They are a SCAM, too. It is someone trying to capitalize on our pain. They end up asking for your credit card or bank account to buy extra needed equipment. Be careful. It's sad that there are so many evil people out there.

Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:30 pm

And thank you everyone for your posts. They do help us understand that we weren't just stupid. These people are good at what they do.

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Wingman182
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Wingman182 » Mon Dec 09, 2019 7:13 pm

Mad99 First please don't beat yourself up over this. I know it's hard. You can't help but feel that you should have seen this coming somehow. You even had friends and family try to warn you about sending money, along with asking you to be careful. And right now your thinking to yourself “Why Didn't I listen”,”why did I believe his story”
What you need to keep reminding yourself is that these are masters of manipulation.
They don't just come right off asking for you financial help. They work their way into your life at first.
Then the worst part. They work themselves into your heart.
And once they have done that they know that the heart can and will override the brain of their victims. They know that it is the good people in the world that will move Heaven and Earth for the ones we love. And this is the most horrendous part of this crime. These low life vermin get us to fall in love with them just so they can rob us.

I can personally understand what you must be going through with the holidays coming up.
December is also the anniversary of when I when through my hell.
And I'll be honest even after I recovered from my scam for a time Decembers have been a bit of a downer for me. Ok more then a downer. But it has been getting better over time.
My point is that I understand what it's like trying to put that happy face on. Trying to pretend to everyone around us that we are doing okay when in fact all we want to do is just crawl into the nearest whole and cry. But you can do this. You can find the strength to greet the people around you with at least a half convincing smile. It's hard I know, but you can do it. And as I said before whatever you decide to tell anyone, or not tell anyone is entirely up to you.

You have asked for prayers to help give you the strength needed to get through the coming weeks. And you have them. Mine as well as everyone here on this site.
And with this strength just keep reminding yourself that you had done nothing wrong.
You did not ask for this to happen to you in anyway.
All you had done was to fall in love.
And falling in love is never a crime.
Just be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time to grieve the loss of the love that you had found.
He may have been just a lie, but your feelings for him were real and genuine which makes this loss no less painful then the loss of a real loved one.
And face each day head on,,,,, It's easy.
Just put one foot in front of the other and keep your head high while holding this thought.
I Did Nothing Wrong.

And if you ever need to talk,,,, you know where to find us.
May God bless you Mad99 and grant you the strength you need. :angel:
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Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Mon Dec 09, 2019 10:29 pm

Wingman 182
I am sorry your scam blew up in December, too. Christmas is suppose to be a special time. Thankfully, your December's are getting a little easier. Luckily I had things decorated for Christmas before my scam totally blew up. I am having trouble turning on the lights on my tree. I only do it if someone is here.
I did think about checking out, too. This is totally out of character for me as my sister committed suicide and I know the pain it causes. I kept thinking if it looked like a car accident, then it wouldn't hurt people as badly. This was as I was driving. I must still have a little sense left. I still couldn't do that to my family. I'm glad you came to your senses, too. From experience, people never get over it.

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Wingman182
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Wingman182 » Tue Dec 10, 2019 9:00 pm

Thanks Mad99 and yes with each passing December it has been getting a little easier. Though two years ago it did take a bit of a set back. And I wrote about it here.
https://www.romancescam.com/forum/viewt ... 9170e8e52f

I am also glad you came to your senses as well. This just goes to show you that you are stronger then you think you are at the moment. And you will keep getting stronger, you just have to give yourself time.
We all know how it feels at first. Your world feels like you are at the bottom of an endless dark pit.
But it's not a pit at all. It's a tunnel. A very dark, painful, and lonely tunnel. But with each day you wake and with every step you take you get a little closer to the light at the end of that tunnel. And when you reach it, and you will. You will not only fine yourself a stronger and wiser version of yourself.
You will come to love yourself again as well.
And there is no written plan or schedule on how to get there. This whole healing process will move at your pace. And at your own time table.
And what works for one victim may not work as well for another. Plus there's the support you will find here.
We lean on each other. We listen and support each other. And we help prop one another back up should we take a stumble backwards. And that's what victim support is all about. Victims helping other victims to become survivors.
There is a saying I learned during my time as a victim.
“We all heal in our own way and in our own time.”
Your road toward healing is going to be a process. But you will get there. This is way I keep saying,,,,,
“Give yourself some time”

That said however and on a more personal note this year is going to be different. For the first time since my scam I am going to actually pull out my old Christmas decorations and display them in my home. And not just deco, but also the tree with all the lights and trimmings.
It still doesn't feel the same and I sometimes wonder if it ever will. But this year I'm done moping about it. I still mite not be able to feel that old Christmas spirit, but by God this year I'm going to try.
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Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Tue Dec 10, 2019 10:55 pm

Wingman 182
I loved the story about how Montana saved you. He truly seemed special. I have a toy poodle and he doesn't seem to have that kind of compassion. He don't seem to notice if I cry, even if he is on my lap.
You are so lucky to find love in your life, again. For real this time. I had put loving someone out of my thoughts, after my abuser, til my scammer came along. Now it seems even farther away. I am getting older and this took my confidence away again. I hope that I get it back.
It is great that you are decorating again. I would have had no choice, as I have a daughter and three grandkids who would question if I didnt decorate. So I am buying presents and will get them wrapped even though I'm definitely not in the mood. I thought I would be sharing Christmas this year with someone that would love me. Family comes on Christmas Day, but it's not the same as someone sharing it all with you.

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Wingman182
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Wingman182 » Fri Dec 13, 2019 4:02 pm

Mad99
Thanks, Montana was special and he is always in my thoughts. Sorry to hear that your toy poodle has not been more supportive. And I find that a bit surprising. Usually pets, especially cats and dogs seem to pick up on the emotions of their owners. Perhaps he needs a visit from that dog whisperer guy. :)

But seriously it's understandable about how you are feeling about your confidence. Your whole world has been thrown on it's head and turned inside out. But your wounds are still too raw and fresh. There is much healing that needs to happen and much you need to come to terms with in the coming days and weeks. But your confidence along with your self pride will return to you.
I can understand about the age subject troubling your thoughts on this mater as well. I know it's hard not to think about it, but try,,, please.
The only other thing I can say on this subject is that none of us know what's installed for us when it comes to Gods plan. And that from my experience I've come to truly believe that all things happen for a reason. Even the bad things. We don't always understand the why's at the time. But if we're lucky the reasons will show their heads one day. For me I had to be totally broken before I could truly see.
I was always what you would call a nice natured guy. But my eyes were flawed by what society dictated as beautiful. In this respect one could have also called me very shallow. And they would have been correct.
If I had never been scammed then this flaw in my vision would have gone uncorrected. And, Montana's interventions aside. If that would have happened I would have walked right passed the soul mate I was always meant to be with without so much as a second glance.
My point is we rarely know the why's when things happen to us. But in many cases we are left with two choices.
Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and give it our best once again.
Or give up.
And you have already proven that you are not a quitter.
And if that doesn't help maybe something my late mother told me will.
I had asked her once when I was much younger why I was having trouble finding love?
She told me not to worry so much about finding love. That love would one day find you.
And that chances are when it does it will happen when you least expect to. And where you least expected it to happen.

I hope this will one day happen for you Mad99. I truly do.
Just remember you have a lot of healing to do first,,,, so,,,,,, you guessed it.
Give yourself some time, and be kind to yourself.
You deserve it.
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Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Mon Jan 06, 2020 2:45 am

Wingman 182,
Please talk me down. I did bad and stayed in contact with my scammer. He didn't get anything else from me, although he tried. I am furious and kept ringing his phone on WhatsApp. He would ignore me on there, if I sent chat or called. Believe it or not, he blocked me. I did tell him that I knew he was a scammer, that his pictures were all over the internet under other names. He acted like someone had stolen his, but I knew better. I didn't mention this site. I wouldn't do that. Other people have posted online all kinds of pictures of him. I did call one of the guys from a twitter post, that said he had a business. It was the same voice as my scammer on the voicemail. If he started acting nice I just played along, like I was falling for his line. I even would tell him that I loved him, too, even though I hate him. I felt like it was the last link to my money.
Now I've lost that link and it hurts all over again. Go ahead and yell at me. I just hated to lose that link.

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Wingman182
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Wingman182 » Tue Jan 07, 2020 6:45 pm

Madd99 Your not going to get yelled at. Not here,,, not ever. You have just made a mistake is all. This is why we tell new victims to block all forms of contact with their scammer and never try to contact them back yourself. In the end it only brings with it more pain and suffering.
You are still fairly fresh from your scam. And your feelings are still very raw and tattered from the experience. Please you need to stay away from not only your scammer, but anyone you may suspect as being one. It will only bring you more pain.
“He acted like someone had stolen his,”
Of course he did. No scammer will ever admit to being just another form of con man. In fact ,as you have seen for yourself. They will defend their false identity. They will claim that they are the ones who have had their photos stolen. It's all apart of playing the game they play. And I am sorry that this has brought you more pain.
What you have to keep reminding yourself is this. The person you thought was real was never a real person to begin with. It was all nothing but smoke and mirrors. An illusion created just to con good people out of their money.
You have to let this go. Let him go.
This is one of the hardest parts of being a romance scam victim. Finding some way to have closure. These were not normal relationships where if it all goes wrong you can break it off. Face to face. Over the phone. Or what seems to be popular these day's, a dear John/Jane text.
We have to find our own ways to say goodbye. And until you do your only going to keep this illusion alive and painful.
If you need any ideas on how to go about gaining a form of closure you may PM me. I've come across a couple here and there. They mite help,,, they mite not,,, but the offer is there if you wish.
“I felt like it was the last link to my money,,,,,,, Now I've lost that link and it hurts all over again,,,,,,, I just hated to lose that link.”
It's gone Mad99. The money that is. It's gone and you will never get it back. You need to come to terms with this. And please be careful. There are many scammers out there that will tell you they can help you get it back. But of course there will always be fee's involved. It's all just another part of the scam. I know the financial lose hurts. But you need to put that behind you and keep you eyes focused on what's in front of you. And I know that future looks black at the moment. Just remember the darkness is only part of the path leading you through that tunnel I spoke of. A tunnel you will be able to traverse till you reach that light at it's end.
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Mad99
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Mad99 » Wed Jan 08, 2020 12:46 am

Wingman 182
He unblocked me on Whatsapp and has been messaging again on Hangouts. He isn't asking for anything and I would never give him anything, again. I keep telling him that I have nothing left. He talks love and faith. He says he is real busy (I bet he is). I wish he had kept me blocked.
I still can't break that tie, even though he isn't real.
I went on a dating app yesterday and told him, of course he was really upset with me. Asked how I would feel if he told me that. Plus he kept wanting to know what site. He probably didn't want me to find his picture, on there. I told him that I hid my profile, which I did, but mostly because it was overwhelming.
Of the people that messaged me, almost all of them did some work with oil pipelines. That was what he said he did. That really sent up red flags. I think the scammers are everywhere.
If you can tell me where to pm you, I would appreciate any help you can give me to cope with breaking his hold over me.
I thought if I found someone it would help, but I don't think there are any real people on the dating sites.
I have had emails offering to get my money back. I did recognize them as scams.
Thanks for listening.

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Wingman182
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Wingman182 » Wed Jan 08, 2020 11:24 am

Hello Madd99. First you need to take the steps you need to, to protect yourself. You NEED to block him. And of course he is still playing the innocent party in all of this. It's just a ploy they play to keep a victim on the hook. First they try and get the victim to trust them again. Then they will go after the money requests. I'm also glad you saw the fake offers to get your money back for what they were.

As for the pm system you can pm anybody here if your a member by simply clicking on their name in their profile box next to the post. It will take you to another page. just down and to the left you will see "send pm message" you then write like you are writing a post here. Or just follow the one I will send you.

Just please remember we are all volunteers here. And I do try to help as I can, when I can. So it may take a little time to hear back from me, but you will. Just please be patience.
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Jks1975
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Jks1975 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:31 am

I am new here. Found my person on this site. Three months this man talked to me and told me things. How do you just cut someone off? This seems to be my hardest thing. He always made me feel so good, smile, laugh, everything. He called me and sang songs to me. Everything seemed so real. His phone number was from the area I am, even when you search it the area was where he said he lived. I had doubts but not until the amount of money was extreme. I didnt think I had actual feelings until I reverse photo searched and first found his photo on a porn site, then found the real stuff. Found this site and others with the photos used and posts about the other names used. I know what it is but the idea of it all and losing that is so terrible. Thank goodness I spent $5.99 for the photo search. I feel like an idiot. I told people about him like it was real, it felt so real. I told no one about the money so now I'm trying to figure out how to explain it all. I dont want anyone to know about this at all.

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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Jks1975 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 1:05 pm

So I decided my healing process would involve a little messing of my own. I told my scammer my bank account was hacked and all my money was stolen so I cojld not help him. I was so distraught that I didn't know what to do and I was going to lose everything. I couldn't help him and it was absolutely killing me. My only solution was to take my life and make it look like an accident so my son could collect life insurance and help him. I am sure there is no remorse there but it is kind of nice to get this "closer". I'm not sure why its so hard to stop communicating with someone you know is stealing from you.

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Wingman182
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Re: The Healing Process

Postby Wingman182 » Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:35 pm

Hello Jks and welcome to R.S. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, but you have come to a good place where others around you understand what you are going through because we have all been there ourselves.
This thing is always so hard in the beginning. How wonderful you were feeling before learning the truth. The hopes and dreams of the future you would have with this person. Looking forward to the time when you would share each and every moment with them.
And now all of that has been yanked right out from under you. And what has replaced those wonderful feelings is a pain, confusion, and emptiness I would not wish on anyone.
These criminals have been at this for a very long time now. And they have been learning from past mistakes. Evolving and refining their tactics. Using the latest technology and social networking as fast as it hits the market.
Running a number trace is no good any more. There are ways a phone number can appear to come from wherever they want it to. You can't even trust video anymore. Looks like your scammer went the extra mile and did some research about the area he was claiming to come from. And they do all of this just to help them create the perfect illusion. The most believable profile. God I hate them.

We all know this is going to be hard for you, but you will get through this. It will take some time, but like all of us. When you do come through this you will find yourself a stronger and wiser you. And don't worry too much about the friends and family you have talked to about him. You don't have to tell them anything if you don't want to. Or you can make up something that paints him as the doo-doo eating dog that he is.
Bottom line,,,, after today,,,,, it's not about him.
This is about you.
And this site is here to help in anyway we can.
All you have to do ask.

One thing that is very important. You MUST stop any and all forms of contacting your scammer.
I understand your need for closure. And if your story to him gives you this closure great. I mean it. Closure is something very hard to achieve as a romance scam victim. Just please do not ever be tempted to contact him again.
It will only cause you even more pain in the future.
It's usually best to just cut and run.
To answer your question.
“I'm not sure why its so hard to stop communicating with someone you know is stealing from you. “
Because even though you know he is a scammer there is a part of you that is still in love with the beautiful dream he made himself out to be.
The feelings you have took time to build into love.
There going to take time to fade away.
Sorry but the heart doesn't have a light switch.
Believe me I wish my did at the time.
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