I decided to start a new topic, because I´m searching for help, but after I read some stories here, I felt literally physically ill, so I can´t continue, there were so many common signs with my scam, I can´t read that now, I´m sorry.
I have lost a lot of money in this scam. I didn´t have money when the scammer asked me, so I had to borrow and I´ll pay it for many years. Not to mention the psychological trauma, I think I´ll take drugs for long yet. Everybody here says that it´s not the fault of a victim, that everybody who falls in love loses his sense, but I know that it WAS my fault! That there´s something wrong with me. I´m trying to understand myself and explain my behaviour why I did such a foolish thing. I have read many articles about the psychology of scam and of victims after this scam and analysed my life, and I found out that I´m really defective. I can´t say I was in love with the scammer, although I have to admit that he showed some qualities that made me weak at the knees, and there was a moment when I realized that he brings up emotions in me which I had when I was very much in love in the past (for example fear and admiration of a strong man... those were not „healthy“ relationships either).
He contacted me on a social site, I wasn´t searching for anyone there. He literally pushed himself, he begged me to love him and give a chance to him, I didn´t like the conversation with him at all, I told him many times that I have bad feeling from it and that he´s lying to me, I felt that everything he said was lie, I agreed only because there was a personal meeting arranged, so I said to myself, whatever he writes, I´ll see who will come in real to the meeting, I was just wondering why this man lies that much, I had fun of it and I was curious what bullshit he would write to me next. And still, I sent money to him when he asked! I couldn´t understand it, but now I know why.
It´s because I don´t have mechanisms that would protect me from being scammed. This is something that comes immediately, unconsciously and from that moment I don´t have controll over my behaviour and I do what is desirable for the scammer and not for me, and in addition I act as if it was all right and I was happy for it! Intelligence and experience doesn´t help!!! Many people here write that after this experience they learned how to prevent scam, but I have to tell that unfortunately this is not how it works! I found out that this is something that is repeating in my life and not only in romantic relationships but every other aspects of life. As for romantic relationships I was abused even if I was in love with that man but even if I wasn´t, I was suffering for many years because of men! But even in non romantic relationships there are moments when I can´t controll my behaviour. I tell an example: I signed a contract in a hurry and it was followed by a year of suffering and financial loss. I felt when I was signing it that I didn´t have good feeling about it and I didn´t understand why I signed it. So when I was signing a contract next, I asked my boyfriend to help me, I explained him my previous experience that I can´t controll my behaviour sometimes and that I can´t sign a contract in a hurry. So I was aware of my problem. When they were pushing me to sign a contract immediately, I asked my boyfriend to go to another room to discuss it. So I was not only aware of the problem, but I also tried to prevent a bad decision. But my boyfriend said I should sign it, he didn´t take it very seriously and he convinced me that if there will be something wrong, I can sue them. I KNEW that I could sue them, but it´s not only about law but about the peace of mind, I was AWARE of it and still, I was manipulated to it by the counterpart and my boyfriend too. Another year of suffering and financial loss. Then I had another boyfriend when I was signing another contract. I explained to him what happened with my last boyfriend, so not only we both were EDUCATED about the problem and the solution, but we were both educated about the previous EXPERIENCE. Of course again that was in a hurry and I signed a contract and my boyfriend didn´t prevent me. That was followed by another year of suffering and financial loss... When I asked my boyfriend why he didn´t do what I asked of him, he said I looked like I knew what I´m doing!!! The same happened now with the scam, I asked two people to lend me money, the first couldn´t do it that quickly, but the second lent me. I asked both if they didn´t suspect any malice and they both said that maybe yes, but it was „ME“ who asked them and they know me as a reasonable person!!!
I remember another incidents from my life: for example a gipsy woman came to me at a restaurant, she started to tell me a story that sounded like lie, I didn´t like it and still, I gave her money. It seems like I was a robot, somebody says give me money and I give money. But this is not only about money. There was an incident when some people did something in my home without my agreement, they did a change that couldn´t be restored to it´s original state, I didn´t like it, but when I saw it that was such a shock to me, that I started to praise!!!! the change, how beautiful it is, but my heart was aching. Why I couldn´t tell the truth? Then there was an incident with an old man who started stroking my back in the train, it was so disgusting to me, but still, I wasn´t able to go away and to make a scene. And I can tell many stories of this kind from my life, but it´s always the same, that when something is shocking to me, I DENY it totally and replace it with a thought that everything is all right and I´m happy! That´s what happened with the scammer too, when his request for money came, that was such a shock to me and I had to act quickly, that I completely denied his lies before and that he didn´t prove me anything yet, just sweet talk. In fact I started to deny his lies long before, his lies were uncomfortable for me, but the denial let me forget about that and because of this there was a space for idealization! But until the request for money came, I didn´t have even a faint idea that this is about pulling money from me. When the request came, there was a thought that this is the moment when I act in a hurry and that always ends badly. And also I promised to myself before that I would never give or lend money to a man in advance if he doesn´t show me REAL care. I was aware of these things, but what I did was automatic, uncontrollable! I had a relationship in the past where I was wringed out of money, but I also had relationships where a lot of money was invested in me, I HAD caring partners, so experience doesn´t help! That´s why I know now that I will always be a target of cheaters and I can´t do anything against it. OK, I can do, if it´s something like with this scammer, I could finish the conversation in the beginning when I was sure he was lying. That´s what I should do next, because now I know I´ll never win over a cheater, if I communicate with him, he will cheat on me sooner or later and I can´t defend even if I know it´s wrong! That´s an automatic reaction and even if I promised myself thousand times in my life something and I thought it can never happen to me again, now I know it CAN happen! I kept reminding me of the situations I went through from time to time, so it wasn´t that I just promised to myself that forgot. I can´t do anything more than that and still that´s not enough, not a prevention. Knowledge and experience is not enough!!! I have to avoid cheaters and liars in the BEGINNING of the communication! Without explanation, and if he needs explanation, I´ll simply say: I don´t have good feeling about it. That´s all. I think maybe in the beginning I´ll be able to stop it, but I´m not sure, I never tried. But if it´s a situation that life brings immediately (not some longer communication with a cheater), now I know that I´ll never be able to handle it, there will always be that automatic reaction of denial. And that always brings me long term trauma after such experience. It´s not that I don´t have that „gut instincts“ or that I don´t have mechanisms to convict a cheater, but that´s not enough, because when the automatic reaction of denial comes, I´ll start to act in conflict with my needs, and those „gut feelings“ come in full glory later when I have time to think about it and then I´m physically ill from it and mentally traumatized and destroyed. I don´t know what to do with it.
The psychoanalytical explanation is that the denial is a neurotic mechanism that was built in young age when the parents were not caring enough and I needed to see them as perfect... Maybe.
Does someone here have similar experiences or findings? Or can somebody give an advice? Or do you think I´m crazy?...